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Demons of My Past (Critique)

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This is a critique of: "The Demons of My Past" (Chapter 1)

By: :iconnancayleena: NancayLeena

Word Count: ~ 931 words

Fandom: TMNT 2012

~~ Critique of the story~~

The first few lines of "The Demons of My Past" are:

Dear Dairy,

My name is Leonardo, and my sons, mostly Donatello, told me that writing in a book could help me deal with things in my past. Well, where do I start? Probably at the beginning, huh? It all started like this...


I immediately knew that this story would be an AU (Alternate Universe) type story. In the first few lines, It compels me to read more. Leo is a father? And what horrible things have happened in his past?

As I continued to read, the first scene described of the turtles being dropped by a young boy (also recognized in the 2003 turtles timeline ;)) A tragedy occurred, but I wish it was more described in this scene. Maybe more on how Leo felt when his would-be-brothers died. Or on his unnerving compulsion to keep his dead kin, even after so many years.

In the next scene, Leo is seen to have more intellect than normal. This sets an unknown on what age Leonardo actually is.

In the scene after, we introduce more characters (a shocking unveiling indeed). At first we are sympathetic to the lonely turtle, who lost all hope and optimism. Then we are fed with a false sense of happiness that Leo will be helped. But, if you are observant, it is foreshadowed that this scene will not bring the happiness Leo so desperately seeks.

It is mentioned that Leo has been with his new family for 5 years yet he has the intellect of a 9-10 year old. Perhaps he was age 4-5 when he was mutated? It would explain his odd attachment to his dead, non-mutated brothers... since being rejected before mutation was probably an issue (Inferring that Leo is this age and wasn't adopted until after 4 WHOLE years!)

Finally, in the last scene, a main conflict is proposed. It raises many questions but of course, it is a chapter story.

~~Critique of the writing~~

The writing has a heap of potential.

Here's a tip: Do not add *flashback* or *end flashback* and refrain from adding any page breaks. Instead, put flashback text in italics and regular text in normal font.

^ I say this because too many page breaks can make the writing seem a little scattered, or blocky. You've made a few grammar mistakes (just a few missing commas) but I see you favor run-on sentences. Note: If you find it hard to understand the sentence you wrote, do not be afraid to rewrite it. Or that when you read it and pause in certain places, add a comma or semi-colon. Finally I wish the writing were a bit more emotional. But even so, it was a very jarring read and would be phenomenal if more descriptive.

All in all, "The Demons of My Past" is an exceptional piece. It has a captivating plot and, when formatted better, would be a timeless, AU fiction piece! :) It is a very addictive piece and will mesmerise you to tune in for Chapter 2 and beyond!

:heart:~ Critique by :iconhorrorruby7: proud founder of Critique-Fanfic-Art for :iconnancayleena:

Find "The Demons of My Past" here: critique-fanfic-art.deviantart…
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